I got into an interesting conversation via email with someone that has not only become a dear friend to me, but something of a soul sister. (That, to me, is the beauty of online relationships...being able to find that person that understands and encourages you that you would never have met face-to-face. Thanks, Punkinmama, for giving me the guts to write this.)
For the handful of you that are familiar with this blog, you know that I don't post with any real consistency. I might go for weeks at a time with nary a word, suddenly bang out two or three in quick succession, and then go back to my seemingly lackadaisical ways. I can't even stick to Wordless Wednesdays with regularity. And let's face it, posting pictures of your kids with no words required is about as easy as it gets in the blogging world.
I've got two major reasons for being inconsistent, and neither of them have to do with not being able to find the time. Surprised? I know, I've got my hands full with five children, chickens, farming, housework, blah, blah, blah. But I also have the amazing fortune of having a husband that supports and encourages me in my interests. In truth, he's the main reason I still blog at all. If it weren't for him, I'd probably never keep coming back to it. He knows how many purposes this blogging thing serves me and the benefits I get from it...as an outlet, a chance to be creative, and to connect with others.
So the first (and lesser) reason I have a problem with putting out posts regularly isn't lack of time. It's lack of confidence.
A long time ago (not in a galaxy far, far away...even though it feels like that sometimes), I used to write. I wrote almost every single day about whatever came to mind. I still had children to raise, daughters I was homeschooling, and one in public school, housework, church responsibilities, dishes, laundry, etc. And I would write about all of it and more.
But somewhere along the way, I started to lose my confidence. The more blogs I came across, the less confident I became. Everywhere I looked, there were women who had their acts a whole lot more together than I ever dreamed of. Or had bigger problems than I'd ever worry about. Or stronger faith...or more wisdom...or more humor (lots more humor). Better pictures, better style, better articulation. I lost track of why I started blogging in the first place (it was never about money, that's for sure) and began doubting myself.
There's more I could say about this, but I've been writing this post in bits and pieces for days as it is (questioning myself every step of the way.) Normally, I'd never hit the publish button on something like this, but thanks to a severe lack of sleep on my part over the last several days, I'm too tired to have better judgment. I'll write about the bigger reason I post so infrequently next time. With any luck, I'll get it out in a day or two and maybe I'll finally purge my heart enough to write with abandon again.
I really hope so, because carrying this burden inside is hard. Very, very hard.