Monday, March 1, 2010

Loss of Confidence

I got into an interesting conversation via email with someone that has not only become a dear friend to me, but something of a soul sister. (That, to me, is the beauty of online relationships...being able to find that person that understands and encourages you that you would never have met face-to-face. Thanks, Punkinmama, for giving me the guts to write this.)

For the handful of you that are familiar with this blog, you know that I don't post with any real consistency. I might go for weeks at a time with nary a word, suddenly bang out two or three in quick succession, and then go back to my seemingly lackadaisical ways. I can't even stick to Wordless Wednesdays with regularity. And let's face it, posting pictures of your kids with no words required is about as easy as it gets in the blogging world.

I've got two major reasons for being inconsistent, and neither of them have to do with not being able to find the time. Surprised? I know, I've got my hands full with five children, chickens, farming, housework, blah, blah, blah. But I also have the amazing fortune of having a husband that supports and encourages me in my interests. In truth, he's the main reason I still blog at all. If it weren't for him, I'd probably never keep coming back to it. He knows how many purposes this blogging thing serves me and the benefits I get from it...as an outlet, a chance to be creative, and to connect with others.

So the first (and lesser) reason I have a problem with putting out posts regularly isn't lack of time. It's lack of confidence.

A long time ago (not in a galaxy far, far away...even though it feels like that sometimes), I used to write. I wrote almost every single day about whatever came to mind. I still had children to raise, daughters I was homeschooling, and one in public school, housework, church responsibilities, dishes, laundry, etc. And I would write about all of it and more.

But somewhere along the way, I started to lose my confidence. The more blogs I came across, the less confident I became. Everywhere I looked, there were women who had their acts a whole lot more together than I ever dreamed of. Or had bigger problems than I'd ever worry about. Or stronger faith...or more wisdom...or more humor (lots more humor). Better pictures, better style, better articulation. I lost track of why I started blogging in the first place (it was never about money, that's for sure) and began doubting myself.

There's more I could say about this, but I've been writing this post in bits and pieces for days as it is (questioning myself every step of the way.) Normally, I'd never hit the publish button on something like this, but thanks to a severe lack of sleep on my part over the last several days, I'm too tired to have better judgment. I'll write about the bigger reason I post so infrequently next time. With any luck, I'll get it out in a day or two and maybe I'll finally purge my heart enough to write with abandon again.

I really hope so, because carrying this burden inside is hard. Very, very hard.

9 comments:

Chele said...

You know what... I have the same problem. You are not alone. It is very discouraging sometimes but discouragement is the Devil. Not God! Keep that in mind, it helps me! You know what else, these kind of posts... spoken from the heart are my favorite kind! Let it out girl! :) Prayers for you!

Heather @ Not a DIY Life said...

I hope you don't think I have my act together - because I don't!! I have learned that airing my negative feelings doesn't do anyone any good, so I don't blog about that. I might tweet something random, but it's usually vague enough not to do any damage and random enough that most people don't notice. I usually vent to Hubby, poor guy!

The greatest gift that blogging has given me is the freedom is be myself. I don't have to abide by anyone's rules but mine, and I like that!

Feel free to be YOU! God created you, He loves you. And we love you. Don't ever be afraid to show us who you are.

Hugs!

punkinmama said...

Lots of love to you, Barefoot MomLady! I'm so glad you're writing this and I hope you get that next part out. And soon.

I'd rather read your blog any day of the week than any of those so-called "put-together bloggers"!

Write on, sister!

Cynthia said...

I can actually say I really do understand. My confidence is at an all time low these days.

It's compounded a bit by people who think I have all this confidence! Hard to talk about it when you feel like you'll be disappointing someone.

Glad to see you writing today!

Blessed Nest said...

oh dear friend( yes I call you that even though our friendship is based on blog reading.) Your blog is one of my favorites to read. I feel like I get to know you, your heart, your family with every bit of writing that you post. I would love to hear more about farming because you live the life that I would love to have as I sit in my small condo in sunny southern CA dreaming of living in a small town with chickens! Blessings my friend. Keep writing. I love it!
~ Donna

Amy @ Six Flower Mom said...

Hugs! I too feel quite intimidated by other bloggers. I love blogging and would like to write many things but seem to never publish because I am not brave enough. So I hear you. I love reading your blog and really appreciate your honesty.

Wendy said...

Cynthia, I know what you mean. Funny how others see us as so much better than we see ourselves, isn't it?

Donna, I'm HONORED to be among your friends (and blog friends are no different to me than IRL). Glad you like hearing about the country life, because you're going to be seeing a whole lot more of it in the near future (once I get past this block!)

Angela said...

I can totally relate to this post and I think it's awesome that you are putting it out there.

The great part about blogging is that you do it when you feel like doing it. That's the best part.

The other thing that I sometimes have difficulty with is fitting in with other bloggers. Sometimes I always feel as if I'm always the odd one out and nobody really cares.. ya know?

You keep blogging and tweeting girlfriend! I think your Blog Rocks! :)

Christina said...

Trust me there are more women like you out there. I am the same way as you can tell by my blog. Totally inconsistent. Hopefully writing about it will help you and the rest of us out there. Believe me I have 7 kids, 5 still at home and I am nowhere near perfect. Join the club. We are all in it together. Every imperfect one of us.

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