It's hard to believe that Mary was born four weeks ago yesterday. It still seems like it was just the other day. Paradoxically, though, it feels like forever since I was pregnant.
I know every mom has it rough the first few weeks with a new baby, and I have to be thankful that it hasn't been worse, but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been harder than I expected.
The first week went so smoothly, but after that...I still don't know what went wrong. I suppose I never will. One night, for no reason I can tell, Mary seemed to completely forget how to latch on. The next thing I know, I'm fighting recurring mastitis and struggling not to completely lose my milk supply.
Of all the things I tried to prepare myself for mentally before Mary was born, nursing difficulties never entered my mind. I took it for granted that I'd nurse her for however long. I certainly never guessed I'd have so much trouble doing it, or what a tough time I'd have dealing with it emotionally. I felt like such a failure.
And I've struggled with depression. I can't tell how much time I spent crying. Part of it is tied into my nursing problems, and the feeling that I've failed somehow, but a lot of it is just something about me that has an easy tendency to fall into the blues.
Still, things are better now. I haven't completely given up on breastfeeding. I'm taking Fenugreek and drinking Mother's Milk Tea to help boost my supply, and pumping when it's too painful to nurse. I took it pretty hard emotionally when I first gave Mary formula, but I've been reminded that what matters most is that my daughter is healthy and that I'm taking care of her the best I can.