I'd like to apologize right away for what's about to follow. I try to stay upbeat and positive, but tonight I'm angry and depressed. I'll probably regret writing this about an hour (or less) after I post it, but if I can't put my own feelings out on my own blog, where can I?
My husband was supposed to have tomorrow off. His first Sunday off since I don't know when. I could look it up on my calendar, but I don't even feel like bothering right now. I can't remember the last time we actually attended a Sunday morning service at church together. I can't remember the last time he had any day on the weekend off. And tonight, he came home and told me that his schedule got changed. Again. He has to work tomorrow. Again. From eight in the morning until five at night.
So much for church.
Or anything else for that matter.
I'm sick of the way his boss does this. I'm sick of my husband getting called in early, made to stay late, called with stupid questions when he is home, and I'm especially fed up with never being able to count on his schedule.
I really thought that tomorrow afternoon would be the day Eric would recharge the air conditioner in the van for me. So much for that. Guess I'll try to figure out how to do it myself. I've been waiting for five weeks for the guts in the toilet to be replaced so it stops running. Guess I'll have to figure that one out myself, too. Maybe I ought to just go buy the lumber and build the chicken coop while I'm at it.
I absolutely detest being whiny, but I'm extremely nervous and edgy right now. I want to nest. I want to concentrate on getting things ready for the baby. I want to concentrate on sorting through baby clothes, and trying to figure out just how many cloth diapers I'll actually need. As it stands, we don't even have the birth kit yet. Eric is supposed to pick up the supplies from a guy he used to work with, in the town we used to live in. When's that gonna happen?
I'm not mad at my husband. I know it's not his fault, and it's sure not like he's doing this on purpose. It just hurts. He's the only person in the world that I want to depend on, and the fact that I can't completely do that is darn near devastating.
I want to be calm and peaceful about everything. I know all this will eventually pass, but it sure would help if I had even an inkling of an idea of when that time might come. Three months? Six months? Two years?
I'm reminding myself that it could be worse. He could be in the military, shipped somewhere overseas, or unloving and unfaithful, or not have a job at all, or any number of things that are worse than this. I'm very lucky to have someone that loves me unconditionally the way he does. And I'm lucky to have someone that's willing to work as hard as he does to allow me to stay home with the children. I know what it's like to not have either of those things, and it's something I never take for granted.
I hope you'll forgive me for the rant and vent. I have a lot to be grateful for. I guess I just need to remind myself of that.